Episode One

 

FADE IN:

 

PROFESSOR ERUEN in a BLACK SET beside BIG TV.

 

               EUREN

Some people consider me special.  But IÕm just a normal guy. Shave in the morning like everybody else. With one important difference.  I do not use a mirror when I shave. Because the reflection is unnatural. Left is right. Right is left. ThatÕs why IÕve installed video cameras in my bathroom. Because they show me to myself as others see me.  Now some people might feel uncomfortable imagining other people watching them when they shave.  I am not one of those persons.  Because after all what is okay to be shown? What is okay not to be shown?  Here are some college students, drinking coffee for instance.   Should we be watching this?

                                   

CUT TO:

 

Abby and Valerie sit at a table drinking two lattes. ABBY is sitting at her laptop, but fiddling with her phone. VALERIE's busy on her laptop. ABBY points her phone at VALERIE.

 

MARCO

Really itsÕ espresso and not expresso but everyone says expresso.  Right? ItÕs insane.

 

KATHY

How long have you been working here?

 

Post It Graphic.  It is spelled Òespresso,Ó not Òexpresso.Ó

 

MARCO

Too long.

 

     ABBY

You wouldnÕt know him would you?

 

     VALERIE

Where'd you get the picture?

 

     ABBY

Jimbo's party.

 

     VALERIE

Are you stalking him?

 

     ABBY

Totally stalking him.

 

VALERIE

Why?

 

     ABBY

He was sober.

 

     VALERIE

ThatÕs a plus.

 

     ABBY

Yeah.

 

     VALERIE

Did ya talk to him?

 

     ABBY

No.  He didnÕt talk to anybody.  He left after an hour.

 

     VALERIE

You are stalking him.

 

     ABBY

Yeah.

 

     VALERIE

E-mail me his picture.

 

     ABBY

Okay.

 

MARTY G is looking through the eyepiece of a small video camera. ... and then- WHAM! He accidentally backs into ABBY's table, knocking over her latte and spilling coffee onto VALERIE's laptop.

 

     VALERIE

Damn!

 

Marty G spins around and points the camera at VALERIE.

 

     MARTY G

Great intensity, keep going! Keep it up!

 

     VALERIE

You just ruined my computer.

 

     MARTY G

I wasnÕt looking where I was going I was looking at where IÕve been.  Are you okay?

 

     ABBY

SheÕs fine. Her computerÔs not.

 

MARTY G

I am sure it is just a keyboard issue. I will fix it, and have it back to you in the morning.

 

     VALERIE

What about today?

 

Marty reaches into his backpack and pulls out a laptop covered with labels.

 

     MARTY G

Here, Use mine.

 

Marty sees DUSTIN/DUSTEN on AbbyÕs cell phone.

 

     MARTY G

Hey, that's Dustin.

 

ABBY

You know him?

 

MARTY G

Sure Dustin Felton. He's in my Film and Literature class.

 

Frame freezes.

 

ON EUREN, watching this scene.

 

EUREN

As we will see, Dustin is not only Marty GÕs Film and Literature class, he is also Marty GÕs roommate. Why would Marty G withhold this information?  We donÕt know. Back to the action.

 

Frame unfreezes. Back to—

 

          MARTY G

I'm Marty, by the way. Marty G.

 

ABBY

IÕm Abby. SheÕs Valerie.

 

VALERIE

Hi.

 

          CUT TO:

 

LATER.  MARTY G has left.

 

VALERIE

LetÕs see if we can find Dustin FeltonÕs profile. Dustin Felton. LetÕs poke him.

 

ABBY

DonÕt you dare!

 

VALERIE

Too late. Poked!

                                              CUT TO:

 

DUSTIN FELTON sits at a table - a stack of books and a laptop in front of him. He is staring at his screen.

 

DUSTIN

ÔAbby has poked you.Õ WhoÕs Abby?

 

     MARTY G

Dude. OK.

                                              CUT TO:

 

PROFESSOR EUREN in BLACK BOX watching this scene on BIG TV.

 

EUREN

How did Dustin react to being poked?  We donÕt know.  We donÕt have the footage.  If we donÕt have the footage itÕs not real.  It never happened. Fortunately, we do have the service of dramatizers, who can reenact moments lost to us forever, because of the uncooperation of so-called real life.  Here, for instance, is ÒValery.Ó

 

BIG TV wipes to reveal close up of VALERY.        

 

          VALERY

My name is Valery.  I am surrounded by idiots. ThatÕs my point of view any way.  And I havenÕt been proven wrong yet.  ThereÕs my idiot friend Abbie who falls for a guy at a party.  ThereÕs that idiot Marty who trashed my laptop.  ThereÕs that idiot professor who somehow not only got a book deal, he got a best seller out of it.  Mark my words, his idiotic book will show up at Goodwill two months from now marked down to fifty cents.

 

Freeze on her.  Back to EUREN.

 

          EUREN

Who COULD she be talking about?

 

Episode Two

 

EUREN in Black Box with Big TV.  Campus Shots appear on TV

 

EUREN

There is a relationship between fear and pheromones. Too much fear and desire withers, like oranges in a blizzard. But a little fear, and desire flourishes. I canÕt prove any of this, of course. IÕm not a scientist. But it doesnÕt mean itÕs not true. ItÕs all in my book.

 

Campus Exteriors full screen. Students hustle to and fro.

 

TITLES

 

Co-Ed sits on the grass looking at her laptop screen. Tight shot on the laptop screen.  SheÕs watching a EUREN VIDEO.

 

EUREN

I would like to say that the word can also be a visual medium. IÕm working on a video project of my book where every word will be video taped individually and edited together so that you can actually read it on your television screen.

 

CUT TO:

 

EUREN in the BLACK BOX watching the girl watching him.

 

               EUREN

Before the success of my book, I was a frail academic,disrespected and despised. I am still disrespected and despised, but now- I have money.  And power.  And knowledge.

 

CUT TO:

 

Now/Here PROMO ONE – Ocean Waves (10 seconds)

 

CUT TO:

 

TITLES CONTINUE

 

Euren unlocking his scooter from the bike rack - We hear EurenÕs voice from the laptop continuing as we see MONTAGE of Euren scootering about campus, getting hit with a Frisbee. Intercut with college kids on campus.

 

Another student on his laptop watching a Euren video.

 

EUREN

The Hopis believe that if you give your name away youÕre giving away yourself, which is why so many Hopis today donÕt have names.

 

POV Òbinocular matteÓ on Euren as he continues scootering.

 

VOICE #1 (OC)

WhoÕs that?

 

VOICE #2 (OC)

Professor Euren. Comparative Lit. DoesnÕt count.

 

VOICE #1 (OC)

Bet was 500 bucks to hit 3 professors in the Humanities within 24 hours É Comp Lit is part of Humanities.

 

VOICE #2 (OC)

Not the pink ribbed ones - just use the plain un-lubricated.

 

          VOICE #1 (OC)

What do you care – the ribbed ones are for HER pleasure, not yours.

 

Close-up of Euren scootering followed by close up shot of hands pulling back a water filled condom which is about to be shot out of a huge makeshift surgical tubing sling shot.

 

VOICE #1 (OC)

FIRE !

 

The condom flies off into the sky and hits Euren squarely in the head. Water sprays everywhere.

 

Freeze frame on Euren.

 

GRAHIC POST IT: The first condom was invented in ancient Egypt. It was a linen sheath.

 

 

On EUREN, watching the above.

 

               EUREN

Ha ha.  Amusing.  If one has a sense of humor.  I was born without that commodity.  Also, as a teacher, I possess a remarkable unwillingness to pay attention to my students.  Not long ago, I decided to change that.

 

GRAPHIC:  EARLIER

 

Episode Three

 

GRAPHIC:  EARLIER 

 

EURENÕS OFFICE.  Bare desk except for a FOLDER. EUREN is looking at it. MARTY G sits across from him.

 

     EUREN

You are an interesting person.

 

MARTY G

I could say the same for you. I could. You tried to flunk me from a class I never took.

 

EUREN

You have not taken my class?

 

MARTY G

Which makes me wonder why you called me.

 

EUREN

Damn this bureaucracy. I could have sworn I had you in my power. I mean- that you would be amenable.... I have a proposal for you. I see that you are interested in observing behavior. I share that interest with you. I am embarked upon a social experiment, and would like to involve you.

 

MARTY G

A social experiment?

 

EUREN

Yes. How do young people respond to events beyond their control? Events orchestrated by ÒpowerfulÓ people, people over whom the ÒvictimsÓ have no control? Would you be interested in recording their responses?

 

Reaction from MARTY G.

 

     EUREN (OS)

So what do you think?

                                              CUT TO:

 

EUREN watching this in black box.

 

          EUREN

Marty was unresponsive.  I did not know whether he had agreed to my proposal or not.  I am not entirely sure what my proposal was.  But I do know this.  Marty did some research on me.

 

CUT TO:

 

VALERIE/VALERY BLOG: STREET CRED: EUREN BOOK

 

VALERY (VO)

Have you read Professor EurenÕs book?

 

FRESHMAN

ItÕs brilliant! I didnÕt understand any of it!

 

SOPHOMORE

I saw him on television. Does that count?

 

JUNIOR

Book? Read? What? Is this for class?

 

SENIOR

IÕm taking his class, so yes. I have read it. The manÕs a genius. A genius.

 

CUT TO:

 

EUREN in BLACK BOX SET.  The CafŽ Scene is on Big TV.

 

EUREN

Marty became obsessed with Valerie.  We donÕt have footage of the original obsession. But we have this dramatized reenactment.

 

MARTY Z steps into the BLACK BOX and address the camera.  He is wearing a white shirt and black pants.

 

MARTY Z

I donÕt care about Euren.   I care about Valery.

 

MARTY Z closes his eyes. Screen goes wavy and disolves into and out of shots of MARTY G and VALERIE dissolving into and out of MARTY Z and VALERY.

 

CUT TO:

 

VALERY, wearing a white shirt an black pants, chasing a student, CHET, down the street with a camera.

 

CHET

Leave me alone!

 

VALERY

Did you or did you not put a cow on the roof of the student union?

 

          CHET

Leave me alone.

 

MARTY Z watching VALERY through his video camera. She notices him and turns her camera towards him. They video each other.

CUT TO:

 

A robed figure walks down a campus path.   A variation of the music that prefigures the melody of the final Komplaint Khoir fills the soundtrack.

CUT TO:

 

BLACK BOX. The final scooter scene is on the BIG TV. 

 

               EUREN

These students have graduated, and gone.  My observations are over.  All we have is this lost footage.  Like archeologists, we tread heavily on those young forgotten bones.

 

Episode Four

 

 

VALERIEÕS BLOG: STREET CRED: COLLEGE RELATIONSHIPS

 

     VALERY (VO)

What do you think about college relationships?

 

     FRESHMAN

I want one!

 

     SOPHOMORE

IÕm in one, so IÕd better not say.

 

     MARCO

Relationships? What I need is another job.

 

     MATRIX

IÕm saying good by to all that. Relationships. College. Graduate school. IÕm gonna go live in the mountains and eat birds.

 

POST-IT GRAPHICS: Guitar Hero was first launched on Playstation 2 in 2005. Since then, the world has seen Guitar Hero 2, 3, and 4, a game called Rock Band, and Guitar Hero Aerosmith. There is also a rival game – Accordion Hero. And Accordion Hero 2.

 

VALERIE knocks on the front door of MARTY GÕS HOURS. No answer. She hears loud music coming from inside. She goes to the window and peeks in.

 

MARTY G, in his living room dressed only in his boxers with a faux guitar strapped around his neck, is blasting away on air guitar in front of the TV playing Guitar Hero.

VALERIE bangs on the window to get MARTY GÕS attention. He doesnÕt notice her. MARTY G, as he goes into his finale, drops to the floor on his knees, plays the last note, then jumps to his feet and pumps his fists in the air to acknowledge the thunderous applause of the imaginary crowd.

DUSTIN walks into the room as MARTY G finishes his grand finale. DUSTIN points to VALERIE in the window.

 

     DUSTIN (to Marty G)

Look, your first live audience.

 

In the window, VALERIE claps in mock adoration.

 

     MARTY G

HEY! ThatÕs Valerie!

 

VALERIE walks into house.

 

     VALERIE

YouÕre Dustin, the guy I poked for Abby. IÕm Valerie.

 

     DUSTIN

Pleased to meet you. I guess.

 

VALERIE

And thereÕs Marty, the guy who trashed my laptop. I have come to either retrieve my laptop, or destroy him utterly.

 

DUSTIN

That kind of talk just turns him on, you know.

 

She looks down at DUSTINÕs T-SHIRT.

 

VALERIE

Hey. Abby & I both have that t-shirt.

CUT TO:

 

EUREN in BLACK BOX. PREVIOUS SCENE on BIG TV.

 

EUREN

It has come to my attention that the Onion is not a real newspaper, but a parody of one. IÕd like to say IÕm disappointed, but (a) I donÕt really read newspapers any more, and (b) to reiterate, I donÕt have a sense of humor.

                                         CUT TO:

DUSTIN

Really!

 

Screen freezes.

 

BACK TO:

 

BLACK BOX.  Frozen DUSTIN on BIG TV

 

          EUREN

Did Dustin e-mail her?  We donÕt know.  We donÕt have footage. So hereÕs DustinÕs Dramatizer to show us what ÒmightÓ have happened.

 

DUSTIN FREEZE on TV dissolves into DUSTEN and fills the screen.  DUSTEN is wearing a white shirt and black pants. 

 

DUSTEN

ÒDear Abby- thank you for poking me.Ó Can I say that? Sounds weird when you say it out loud. Should I poke her? I guess I could. After all, she poked me first. But I donÕt even know her. You canÕt go around poking people you donÕt know. ThatÕs harassment. WhateverÉ.ÒDear AbbyÓ ThatÕs kind of formal.ÒHey AbbyÉ WhatÕs up?Ó Fuck it. (Hits send) That is so lame. Maybe IÕm not ready for this.

 

DUSTEN Image Freezes and shrinks to TV SCREEN.

 

     EUREN

Was he ready?  Here our depiction of DustinÕs old girlfriend, Susan, with whom he broke up his senior year in high school.  Her name is Rachel.

 

Dusten Image on TV SCREEN morphs into Rachael.

 

     RACHEL

Good by Dustin. Good luck in your next relationship. YouÕll need it.

 

     EUREN

We donÕt know how Abby responded to DustinÕs e-mail.  If in fact he really sent it.  But if he did, hereÕs what might have happened.

 

RACHAEL morphs into ABBIE at her computer, reading DUSTIN's email.  ABBIE is wearing a white shirt and black pants.

 

ABBIE

ÒHey AbbyÉ WhatÕs up?Ó Maybe IÕm not ready for this.

 

Freeze Frame on ABBIE.  Image wipes to PAINGIVER, a good looking large Black/Ethnic man in a KARATE GHI, talking to the camera from his computer

 

          EUREN

Why is she not ready for this?  We have obtained this exclusive – and real - footage.

 

     PAINGIVER

Hey Abby, I hope you enjoyed our farewell dinner.  I know I did.  Though the pleasure was bittersweet.  Still, thereÕs no reason to be sad.  We both know there will be too many miles between us for ÒusÓ to continue.  Intimacy does not love distance.  That doesnÕt mean our relationship is over - just different.

Who knows what life brings?  One day you will be through with college.  One day I will have achieved my personal goals.  Every closing door means that new doors are opening.  IÕll always love you, Abby.  Me.  Dwayne.

 

Episode Five

 

EUREN IN BLACK BOX.  TV showing ROCK STAR SCENE.

 

          EUREN

     And what of MartyÕs obsession with Valerie?

 

PUSH INTO TV: 

 

MARTY G

Hey Valerie! What did you think of my Jimi Hendrix?

 

VALERIE

Put your hand down. You look like a first grader who wants to go pee.

 

MARTY G puts his hand down, as VALERIE pulls MARTY GÕs laptop out of her bag.

 

     VALERIE

HereÕs your laptop back.

 

MARTY G

But I donÕt have yours fixed yet.

 

VALERIE

You said today.

 

MARTY G

IÕve been busy.

 

VALERIE

Doing what? Practicing for your imaginary musical career?

 

MARTY G

Keep mine for now. IÕll get to it.

 

VALERIE

I donÕt want yours. All my stuff is on mine! Including a paper due Friday.

 

Image Freezes as we pull out to Black Box.

 

          EUREN

Did Marty KNOW about this paper?  LetÕs use our dramatizers to go back in time.

 

MARTY Z is in his LAB holding ValerieÕs Laptop. He reads her paper.

 

MARTY Z

KafkaÕs Kampus, by Valerie Mitchell.

ÒIn KafkaÕs famous story, METAMORPHOSIS, a young man is transformed into a giant bug. Of course, everybody noticed the change immediately. But what are we turning into today? And whoÕs even noticing?

 

Image un-freezes and we push back into screen.

                    

MARTY G

Maybe I could help you write it.

 

VALERIE

Well, THATÕS not gonna happen. Look, if you donÕt have it fixed by tomorrow then IÕll get it repaired myself, and give you the bill!

 

VALERIE stalks out the door as DUSTIN returns.

 

     DUSTIN

WhereÕd Valerie go?

 

MARTY G

Away. Mad.

 

DUSTIN

Cause you didnÕt fix her laptop. And youÕre never gonna fix it.

 

MARTY G

IÕll fix it!

 

DUSTIN

Like you fixed the others?

CUT TO:

Stack of laptops.

                                         BACK ON:

     DUSTIN

Some of those girls have probably graduated by now.

 

MARTY G

I didnÕt really like any of those girls. Valerie is – special. There were sparks!

 

MARTY G strums his mock guitar and SINGS

 

MARTY G (singing)

CÕmon baby light my fire É. try to set the night on É FIRE!

 

DUSTIN

Dude, sheÕs gonna light your ASS on fire.

 

MARTY G

Mmmm. Ass. On fire.

 

INSERT:

 

Ass Fire Picture

 

MARTY G

You and Abby getting together?

 

DUSTIN

I left her an e-mail.

 

EUREN in BLACK BOX watching this.

 

          EUREN

     So he says.  So we surmise.  Because we do know this.

 

GRAPHIC: Two days went byÉ

 

GRAPHIC: And then...

 

Episode Six

 

GRAPHIC TWO: And then...

 

EurenÕs office. Schedule on door. DUSTIN sitting on floor, with laptop and iPod. ABBY approaches, looks at schedule.

 

INSERT: ON EUREN BOARD

 

A flier with pictureÒWayne ÔPaingiverÕ Jones is Professor EurenÕs very special guest, talking about the path to enlightenment, the false promises of celebrity, and the best ways to injure an opponent.  Free to enrolled students, ten dollars to others. All proceeds to benefit The Identity Crisis Center.Ó KAFKA on ICE notice. PICTURE OF MATRIX: ÒHave you seen this man?Ó

 

     ABBY

Crap.

 

Dustin removes headphones.

 

DUSTIN

EurenÕs not here yet.

 

ABBY

HeÕs never here.

 

DUSTIN

HeÕs gotta show up sometime.

 

ABBY

In theory.

 

DUSTIN

You know, if youÕre going to poke a guy, you should at least respond to his e-mail.

 

She turns, recognizes him.

 

     ABBY

Oh. Yeah. Hi.

 

DUSTIN

IÕm Dustin. But you know that.

 

ABBY

Abby. You know that.

 

     DUSTIN

Yeah.

 

ABBY

Yeah.

 

DUSTIN

So. YouÕre on the marathon team. Bicycles.

 

ABBY

ThatÕs right.

 

DUSTIN

I never learned how to ride a bike.

 

ABBY

YouÕre kidding.

 

DUSTIN

I grew up in the city. ItÕs not something I grew up with.

 

ABBY

Do you want to learn how to ride a bike?

 

DUSTIN

Not on a first date. IÕm not that kind of guy.

 

ABBY

What kind of guy are you?

 

DUSTIN

Right now, a nervous guy.

 

ABBY

What do you do on a first date?

 

DUSTIN

I donÕt know. Do people even date any more? ThatÕs something my parents did.

 

ABBY

Out here in the sticks we still date.

 

CUT TO:

 

EUREN in Black Box.  Dustin and Abby Scene on BIG TV slowly dissolves into Molly and Euren Scene.

 

               EUREN

I myself, despite my advanced age, have been known to date. Sort of.  Full disclosure.

 

Pull back to reveal DUSTEN and MARTY Z watching this scene on the Big TV with Euren.

 

               EUREN

I do not have footage of the real Dustin and Marty watching me.  But we do have this video.

 

CUT TO:

Scene from Party Episode full screen.

 

DUSTIN

Do you have cameras EVERYWHERE?

 

MARTY

Yes I do.

 

CUT TO:

 

EUREN in Black Box watching the screen.  DUSTEN and MARTY Z are no longer beside him.

 

EUREN (TO CAMERA)

Who are we?  Who am I? WhoÕs Molly?

 

Episode Seven

 

EUREN and MOLLY in EurenÕs Office.

 

     MOLLY

Professor Euren, you donÕt have much information about women in your book.

 

EUREN

On the contrary, Ms. Henderson—

 

MOLLY

Call me Molly.

 

EUREN

Molly. Sometimes a presence is defined by absence. If you submit my book to a close reading, you will find an overwhelming feminine presence, a shadow, if you will, cast by the sun, by, if you further will, by Gaiia, the great spirit of earth herself.

 

MOLLY

Oh. Yes. I can see that now.

 

EUREN

So you want to go back to school? Improve yourself?

 

MOLLY

I donÕt need Òimprovement,Ó but yes. The world is large, and yet small. I need to find ways to split that difference.

 

EUREN

Ah. I see.

 

MOLLY

Do you?

 

EUREN

Of course. That is what my book is all about.

 

                                              CUT TO:

 

MARTY Z and DUSTEN in BLACK BOX watching the above on BIG TV.

 

DUSTEN

That book is full of crap.

 

MARTY Z

But it sold a zillion copies.

 

DUSTEN

Yeah. To bored wealthy divorces.

 

 

CUT TO:

 

Now/Here PROMO ONE – Babbling Brook(10 seconds)

 

 

                                              BACK TO:

EUREN

Tell me about you.

 

MOLLY

I am a wild woman.

 

EUREN

Ah!

 

MOLLY

I lead workshops, with other wild women. We learn how to use the tools of yoga and creative writing in a wilderness setting.

 

EUREN

Agh!

 

MOLLY

Ah?

 

EUREN

I get shivers. Life is an adventure, yes?

 

MOLLY

Yes! Yes!

 

EUREN

I assume you have goals for yourself? Lists? On the fridge perhaps?

 

MOLLY

I wish to reclaim the term Òhussy.Ó

 

EUREN

I admire your courage.

 

MOLLY

I like to howl. Howl at the full moon.

 

EUREN

Do you now? Interesting. Not much of a howler myself, but IÕve been known to growl from time to time. A guttural sort of thing. Throaty and dangerous.

 

MOLLY

Are you married?

 

EUREN

No. You?

 

MOLLY

Divorced.

 

EUREN

Divorced, eh? From a lawyer?

 

MOLLY

Psychologist.

 

EUREN

Children grown and gone?

 

MOLLY

I am free. To explore myself. My sexuality.

 

EUREN

Ah.

 

MOLLY

Ah?

 

EUREN

I consider myself to be a rational sensualist. We are getting to know each other. Let me ask you something. Do you worry about todayÕs young? That they no longer know what failure is? I have tasted failure. I sense that you have too.

 

MOLLY

Yes. Passionately so.

 

EUREN

Then I donÕt think you should audit my class. The class is for young people.

 

MOLLY

I am young.

 

EUREN

Yes, but you are not a child. This class is designed to bring the youth of today into the world of tomorrow. It is designed to bring them a certain amount of pain. Painful realizations.

 

MOLLY

I have had them.

 

EUREN

As have I. But we are beyond that. You see that, donÕt you?

 

MOLLY

Yes. Yes.

 

EUREN

Perhaps – if itÕs agreeable to you – I would like to invite you to my Spartan abode, where I can share a Power Point demonstration with you. Perhaps read from my work. And see where things go from there. I think you will discover a whole new level.

 

MOLLY

I am free.

 

EUREN

I see that. HereÕs my card. I will expect you at 7. Refreshment will be provided. Grapes. Wine. Pate.

 

MOLLY

Do you have a British raincoat?

 

EUREN

Ah?

 

MOLLY

Condoms?

 

EUREN

Ah. Yes. Many yearsÕ worth. See you at seven.

 

MARTY Z and DUSTEN TWO in BLACK BOX watching the above on BIG TV.

 

DUSTEN

Scary.

 

MARTY Z

Love is scary.

 

DUSTEN

Love IS scary.

 

     MARTY Z

IÕm going to give Valerie her laptop back.

 

          DUSTEN

     Really?

 

          MARTY Z

     Yeah.  I no longer want to have that between us.

 

          DUSTEN

     Really?

 

          MARTY Z

     IÕll think of something else to come between us.

 

Episode Eight

 

GRAPHIC:  Meanwhile, earlier, back in the corridorÉ.

                                        

DUSTIN

I must learn your ways.

 

ABBY

Are you a fast learner?

 

DUSTIN

No. Not really. I like to take my time.

 

ABBY

Hm.

 

DUSTIN

Why are you here, anyway?

 

ABBY

Euren flunked me. And I donÕt know why.

 

DUSTIN

Really? Same here.

 

ABBY

Really? What did you think of his class anyway?

 

DUSTIN

IÕm kind of new to the academic world, but I thought it was about the biggest load IÕd ever seen.

 

ABBY

IÕve seen a lot of loads, and this class was about the biggest.

 

DUSTIN

Hey! We have something in common. Flunk. Load.

 

ABBY

Maybe we should do something then.

 

DUSTIN

We should definitely do something.

CUT TO:

 

EUREN in Black Box watching the screen

 

EUREN

Often, when young people Òdo something,Ó trouble follows.

 

CUT TO:

 

ABBIE slamming a door from the inside, leaning against it, looking alarmed.

 

MANÕS VOICE (Other side of door)

You are my QUEEN! You are my QUEEN!                                    

CUT TO:

 

DUSTEN with flowers, at ABBIEÕS door. She answers door. He presents flowers. She looks at them, looks at him, looks at them, looks at him, like heÕs from Mars.

 

GRAPHIC: Two years later?

 

A front door swings open. DUSTEN in suit and tie, and briefcase, dashes down the sidewalk. ABBIE in doorway, holding a baby.

 

     ABBIE

Have a good day at work honey!

 

GRAPHIC: Two years later?

 

Door swings open. ABBIE dressed professionally, with briefcase, dashes down the sidewalk. DUSTEN in doorway, holding a baby.

 

     DUSTEN

Have a good day at work honey!

 

GRAPHIC: Meanwhile, back in the pastÉ

 

CUT TO:

DUSTIN AND ABBY in hallway/Euren not talking.

 

Pull out to Euren watching this scene on BIG TV.

 

     EUREN

Is life a journey? Is life a dream? Life used to be a magazine. Do we still have that? We have TIME. I know that much. We still have time.

 

Episode Nine

 

FLASHBACK INDICATOR

 

PAINGIVER in Karate ghi and carrying really small suitcase is waving. He turns and walks away.

 

CUT TO:  

 

DUSTEN & MARTY Z IN MARTY ZÕS STUDIO

 

     DUSTEN

YouÕre making a movie? With Urinnnnneee?

 

MARTY Z

ÒWith.Ó  ThatÕs such a strong word.  HeÕs a hard guy to get Òwith,Ó if you know what I mean.  Plus he thinks heÕs Òwith it,Ó and many might disagree.

 

     DUSTEN

Okay, are you making a movie ABOUT Professor Euren?

 

     MARTY Z

I thought ÒaboutÓ it.

 

     DUSTEN

What the hell ARE you doing?

 

     MARTT Z

I am making a movie, ah, ÒatÓ Professor Euren.

  

Marty Zgoes into an animated movie trailer pitch mode.

 

     MARTY Z

ÒCollege Hit ManÓ, a cyborg killer is sent to campus by an evil corporation to kill undergraduates. Only one man, Kung Fu Professor Tex Euren, can stop him.

 

DUSTEN

Professor Euren?  Kung Fu superstar?

 

Marty Z unrolls a poster with a picture of Chuck Norris.

 

     MARTY Z

IÕm going to get Chuck Norris to play the professor!

 

DUSTEN

YouÕre not going to get Chuck Norris to play anything.

 

MARTY Z

Yes I am. Ever hear of six degrees of separation? You know, itÕs like youÕre just six people away from knowing Kevin Bacon.

 

DUSTEN

That doesnÕt mean you can call Kevin Bacon!

 

MARTY Z

Of course not. Kevin BaconÕs not right for this part.

 

He points to a picture on  hisÒChuck Norris Poster – the picture is of an 8 year-old kid in a karate uniform. ItÕs part of a Òsix degrees of separationÓ chart that leads to Chuck Norris that MARTY Zhas created.

 

     MARTY Z

I know this kid, HeÕs in my karate class and his uncleÕs sister is a housekeeper for Chuck NorrisÕs brother, Aaron Norris!

 

Loud karate chop sounds fill the sound track.

CUT TO:

 

MARTYÕS KARATE CLASS. DUSTEN looks on as BILLY THE PITBULL and MARTY Z, both dressed in karate garb, face off in the center of the ring. They bow to each other and then suddenly Billy kicks Marty Z squarely in the balls. Marty drops to the ground writhing in agony.

                                         BACK TO:

DUSTEN

So you have a lock on Chuck Norris?

 

MARTY Z

If we canÕt get him, weÕll just make the hero invisible, and just say itÕs Chuck Norris. WhoÕs gonna know?

 

DUSTEN

You know my brotherÕs friend is a cab driver in New York and he once gave JayZ a ride to Shea Stadium.

 

MARTY Z

WhatÕs your point?

 

DUSTEN

Using your logic, you can definitely get Beyonce to be in your movie.

 

MARTY Z(deliberately, thinking out loud)

Chuck Norris and Beyonce in ÒCollege Hit ManÓ ÉÉ. WOW!

 

DUSTEN

Of course, theyÕll both have to be invisible.

 

MARTY Z

Sure, sure.  And we still might have a part for Professor Euren in here somewhere.

 

Pull out to Euren watching scene on BIG TV in BLACK BOX.

 

     EUREN

And yes, here I am, playing my part.  Now this.

 

 

Episode Ten

 

ABBY sits on lawn in front of the campus library. SheÕs talking on her cell phone. VALERIE approaches, gives a wave and sits on the grass next to Abby.

 

     ABBY

Okay. Hope IÕll be an asset to the team.

 

Abby hangs up her cell phone.

 

ABBY

That was Dustin! He asked me to play oh his trivia bowl team – they need an extra player.

 

VALERIE

Trivia! Booorriing. ItÕs just an excuse for geeks to get together and drink.

 

ABBY

DustinÕs no geek.

 

VALERIE

ItÕs a perfect date. ItÕll give you a chance to show him how stupid you are. Just the right first impression.

 

GRAPHIC CARD: When Valerie/Valery was a little girlÉ.

 

CUT TO:

 

VALERY with a party hat on. ThereÕs a cupcake with three candles in it. She blows them out.

 

     WOMANÕS VOICE, OC

Valery. That wasnÕt your cake.

 

Valery smiles evilly at the camera.

                                    BACK TO:

ABBY

I am not going to look stupid. (with a flourish) I plan to look quite glamorous at la Trivia.              

CUT TO:

 

ABBYÕs looking glamorous and concentrating. Pull back to reveal sheÕs sitting at a table with Dustin and two other members of ÒExistential CrisisÓ (DustinÕs trivia team)

 

                                              CUT TO:

 

The Trivia Quizmaster sits by himself on a small stage and reads the trivia questions into a mike.

 

     QUIZMASTER

What star of the Breakfast Club was also in the show, The Facts of Life?

 

ABBY (TO DUSTIN)

McCaulay Caulkin?

 

QUIZMASTER

Wrong!

 

ABBY

I was just asking!

 

CRACKHEAD ONE (VO)

Molly Ringwald!

 

QUIZMASTER

ThatÕs correct. Six points for the Crackheads and theyÕre now tied for the lead with Existential Crisis.

 

DUSTIN leans in close to Abby.

 

DUSTIN

Just for your information, McCaulay Caulkin wasnÕt even born when they made the Breakfast Club!

 

ABBY

Sorry.

 

QUIZMASTER

She had a blind sister and lived in Walnut Grove. Who was she?

 

DUSTIN

Laura Ingalls.

 

QUIZMASTER

Correct. Six points for Existential Crisis.

 

DUSTIN

Woo hoo.

 

ABBY

Hoo!

 

QUIZMASTER

Who was the only American President who never married?

 

DUSTIN

Ohhh. I know this!

 

CRACKHEAD TWO (VO)

James Buchanan!

 

QUIZMASTER

Correct! Six points for the Crackheads! Final question. The team with the right answer wins the game! Here we go.

What insect does an isoopterphobic homeowner fear?

 

A moment of dead silence as we survey the blank expressions on the contestantsÕ faces. Nobody seems to know the answer. Suddenly ABBY pumps her fists in the air and shouts

 

ABBY

TERMITES!

 

QUIZMASTER

Correct.

 

Lots of hooting and hollering. Abby gives Dustin a hug. All drain their beers.

 

     QUIZMASTER

Our winners, Existential Crisis.

                                              CUT TO:

ABBY and DUSTIN walk home after the contest. She is holding the trophy they have won, which is actually a bowling trophy.

 

     DUSTIN

How did you know that?

 

ABBY

We had termites. My mother was so freaked out by them she had to go the doctor. She was diagnosed as isoopterphobic.

 

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC pops up and PENCIL GRAPHIC taps on a kidÕs drawing of a termite.

ÒWorker termites die when exposed to sunlight or the open air because they need the moisture of their colony.Ó

 

     DUSTIN

Wow.

 

ABBY

Hey! Maybe IÕm a trivia savant!

 

DUSTIN

LetÕs test you. What are the names of the three musketeers?

 

ABBY

Oooh, I had to read that book. Pathos.

 

DUSTIN

Wrong.

 

ABBY

Snoopy? Grumpy?

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC pops up and PENCIL GRAPHIC taps on a kidÕs drawing of a Three Musketeers.

ÒThe Three Musketeers were actually four musketeers. Porthos, Athos, Aramis, and Dartagnan. Knowing this will not make you any money.Ó

 

     DUSTIN

Are you making fun of trivia?

 

ABBY

Never.

 

DUSTIN

Trivia is important, you know.

 

ABBY

ThatÕs why they call it trivia.

 

DUSTIN

You had fun tonight?

 

ABBY

Yeah. I did. Hey. Want to go climbing with me?

 

DUSTIN

Climbing? As in mountain?

 

ABBY

Yeah.

 

DUSTIN

I donÕt know. That sounds like an outdoor activity. I might get a tan or something. My friends would make fun of me.

 

ABBY

But climbing has trivia.

 

DUSTIN

Really? Suddenly IÕm excited.

 

ABBY

ThereÕs rappel. And chock. And piton. And belaying.

 

DUSTIN

Should I be writing this down?

 

VALERIEÕS BLOG: STREET CRED: BREAKING UP?

 

     VALERY (VO)

When do people break up?

 

     FRESHMAN

They meet somebody new.

 

     SOPHOMORE

They get back with somebody old.

 

     JUNIOR

I donÕt even HAVE a relationship.

 

     SENIOR

What are you trying to tell me?  Is my boyfriend seeing somebody else?

 

Pull out to Euren watching this scene on BIG TV.

 

          EUREN

     Try to stay with me now.  WeÕre going up the mountain.

 

Episode Eleven

 

Dustin is sitting on the front porch reading a book. Abby pulls up in her car.  Abby gets out and walks over. SheÕs dressed in sleek Lycra climbing shorts and top. Dustin is wearing a faded Einstein t-shirt, plaid shorts and loafers without socks.

 

ABBY

What are you wearing?

 

DUSTIN

What am I wearing? Four things: t-shirt, shorts, underwear and shoes.

 

ABBY

ThatÕs your climbing outfit?

 

DUSTIN

Actually itÕs my reading outfit.

 

ABBY

Look, youÕve gotta bring some kind of tennis shoes to climb in

 

DUSTIN

Aye, aye.

 

Dustin walks into the house.

 

     ABBY

And bring some warm stuff in case we decide to camp out.

 

Dustin steps back out.

 

     DUSTIN

CAMP OUT?

CUT TO:

 

DUSTIN and ABBY pull the gear out of the car: her fancy big back pack, his tiny flimsy back pack and a small rolled up tent.  ABBY grabs DUSTINÕs pack and rifles thru it. In a series of quick cuts, we see her pull things out and throw most back in the car.

 

ABBY

Slippers!  ThatÕs so cute. Pretzels, Hate Ôem (out) marshmallows, okay. You ever had SÕmores, city boy?

 

DUSTIN

No.  However, the quaint cultural practices of country folk are endlessly fascinating.

 

INSERT:

Picture of a sÕmore.

TEXT:  A sÕmore consists of two graham crackers with melted marshmallow and chocolate bar sandwiched between.  It is a vegetable.

 

ABBY

Raid?

 

          DUSTIN

I thought, if we get attacked by a bear, or a raccoon, I could spray that in its eyes. Or we could kill some ants.  If we get bored. 

 

               ABBY

Franz Kafka?

 

DUSTIN

If I get bored, IÕll have something to read.

 

ABBY

You wonÕt be bored.

 

Abby holds up Trojans.

 

          DUSTIN

HowÕd those get in there?

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC pops up and PENCIL GRAPHIC taps at box of Trojans.

GRAPHIC: The first condom was invented in ancient Egypt. It was a linen sheath.  Today the finest trojans are made by...

HAND pulls GRAPHIC off the screen with a loud ripping sound.

CUT TO:

Abby takes the tent and stuffs it into DustinÕs back pack.

 

GRAPHIC:  Two years later?

 

ABBIE picking up a pair of menÕs underwear from a messy bedroom floor.  She makes a face.

 

GRAPHIC: Two years later?

 

On DUSTEN picking up a pair of womenÕs underwear from a messy bedroom floor.  He smiles.

 

Episode Twelve

 

ABBY and DUSTIN hike up a secluded wooded trail.  DUSTIN disgustedly munches on some trail mix – spitting most of it out.   Suddenly we HEAR a loud cell phone ring tone coming from DustinÕs back pocket.

 

DUSTIN

Hey, thereÕs cell phone service up here!

 

ABBY

DoesnÕt mean you have to answer it. 

 

Dustin pulls out his cell phone and checks caller ID.

 

DUSTIN

Looks important.  WhatÕs up?

 

SPLIT SCREEN - DUSTIN and MARTY Z.

 

MARTY ZÕs STUDIO. He is on his cell.

 

MARTY Z

Thank god youÕre still alive.  ItÕs a jungle out there.  

 

DUSTIN

A mountain anyway.  IÕm starving.  Abby brought some kind of squirrel food.  It contains pellets.

 

MARTY Z

Tragic dude!  IÕm playing strip Scrabble with Valerie under an assumed name.  She doesnÕt know itÕs me.  She will be naked soon.

 

On ABBY. Her cell phone rings. She grabs it

 

SPLIT SCREEN

 

VALERY on cell phone and typing on her laptop computer.

 

VALERy

So, am I right?  Not your type?

 

ABBY

Too early to tell.  A few character flaws, but no ax murderer.

 

VALERY

OH MY GOD!

 

ABBY

What?

 

VALERY

I just made a seven letter word, on a triple word score.  IÕm playing strip scrabble with Marty.  He doesnÕt know I know itÕs him.

CUT TO:

SPLIT SCREEN of DUSTiN and MARTY Z

 

MARTY Z

     Oh crap.  Gotta go.  I have to take off my pants. 

 

 

 

 

Episode Thirteen

 

MOUNTAIN HIKNG PATH DAY

 

ABBY helps Dustin buckle a harness around his waist that fastens under his crotch.

 

DUSTIN

What is this?

 

ABBY and DUSTIN cross roaring brook and walk up a steep path ending at a rock wall.

 

ABBY

IÕm gonna climb up to that ledge and guide you up with the rope.

 

ABBY starts to scramble up the rock face.

 

DUSTIN

You donÕt use a rope.

 

ABBY

Not for this, itÕs too easy.

 

DUSTN

ThatÕs kind of emasculating.

 

ABBY

YouÕll find other ways to prove your manhood.

 

DUSTIN

Right.  IÕll think of Ôem after the fear subsides.

 

ABBY climbs up the rock face. DUSTIN looks up at her from below, transfixed.  She looks like Catwoman in her sleek climbing outfit. Very sexy.  ABBY pauses and looks down.

 

DUSTIN

If you fall, am I supposed to catch you?

 

ABBY

NobodyÕs falling.

 

They both climb and arrive at a ledge.

 

DUSTIN

That was quite a climb, do we head back down now.

 

ABBY

We havenÕt done the ÒclimbÓ yet.

 

ABBY pats the rock with her hand.

 

ABBY

WeÕre gonna climb this.

 

DUSTINÕs POV as we tilt up the vertical face of the rock wall. It looks unbelievably steep.

 

DUSTIN

ÒAn ugly sight, a man who is afraid.Ó

 

ABBY

What?

 

DUSTIN

(staring at wall)

Jean Anouilh - French Playwright.

 

          ABBY

ÒSuck it up.Ó  Shakespeare.

 

They climb.

 

ABBY (VO)

Just a beginnerÕs climb, nothing to be afraid of.

 

DUSTIN (VO)

Afraid? IÕm beyond afraid.  Closer to paralysis.

 

          ABBY (VO)

Come on, itÕs fun.  DonÕt you know how to have fun? Are you a fun hater?

 

          DUSTIN (VO)

I am not a fun hater.  I just didnÕt know it required a harness.

 

VALERIEÕS BLOG: STREET CRED: NOT STUDYING?

 

               VALERY (OS)

     What do you do when youÕre not studying?

 

               FRESHMAN

     Worry.

 

               SOPHOMORE

     Drink heavily?

 

               JUNIOR

     Bribe professors.

 

               MARCO

     I work three jobs.  Who has time to study?

 

Episode Fourteen

 

ABBY and DUSTIN climb

 

ABBY helps pull DUSTIN up over the ledge and onto the top of the rock wall.

 

DUSTIN

Remind me never to do this again - wow, itÕs  beautiful up here.

 

ABBY

Pretty scary but a lot of fun?

 

ABBY leans in and gives DUSTIN a small kiss.

CUT TO:

MARTY Z naked, in his Studio.

 

               MARTY Z

Note to self:  a superior vocabulary gives you an advantage when youÕre playing Strip Scrabble.

 

                                         BACK ON:

ABBY leans back over the ledge.

 

ABBY

Walk down that trail. IÕll rappel down and meet you at the bottom.

 

               DUSTIN

Why donÕt I rappel down too?

 

ABBY

You might kill yourself.

 

ABBY pushes off and from DUSTINÕs POV seems to vanish.

 

DUSTIN

(mimicking Abby)

Òyou might kill yourselfÓ

CUT TO:

 

GRAPHIC:  Twenty years agoÉ

 

DUSTEN sitting on a high chair, with a beanie, with a spoon and cereal. He sticks his spoon in his eye.

 

               DUSTEN

     Ow!

 

               WOMANÕS VOICE, OFF

     Careful, Dustin.

CUT TO:

 

ABBY sits waiting. DUSTIN comes walking down the trail.

 

ABBY

We could hike up to Bear Lake, takes about 2 hours, and camp out overnight?  But if youÕre not up to it ÉÉ

 

DUSTIN ponders the offer, time to show some backbone Éplus, think of the possibilities.

 

DUSTIN

IÕm up for it, lead on.

CUT TO:

 

GRAPHIC:  Twenty years laterÉ?

 

DUSTEN leaving front door.  ABBIE throwing stuff at his head (same stuff from beginning of hiking scene).

 

               ABBIE

     And never come back!

 

GRAPHIC:  Twenty years laterÉ?

 

ABBIE leaving front door.  DUSTEN on his knees.

 

               DUSTEN

     Baby please donÕt go!

 

GRAPHIC: Twenty years laterÉ?

 

MARCO, with a pizza box.

 

               MARCO

     IÕm never going to graduate at this rate.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

ABBY and DUSTIN hike up a wooded trail.

 

ABBY

WeÕre almost there.

 

DUSTIN

Give me a minute, nature calls.

 

Abby hands him a strange looking little bag and a very small scrap of tissue.

 

ABBY 

Here. ItÕs a poopbag and a Sheryl Crow handi-wipe ÉÉ pack it in, pack it out.

 

DUSTIN shuffles off into the woods muttering to himself.

 

               DUSTIN

Òwhy did I ever leave the houseÓ

                                                   CUT TO:

 

A gown passes.  Music.

 

Episode Fifteen

 

EUREN AGAINST BLACK. CLOSE UP

         

          EUREN

Students often come to me for advice.  I do not have advice. After all, who am I?  Some call me a genius, true, but who is this Òsome?Ó  And who are you?  If I am not I, and you are not you, who is advising whom?  There is no us, only an ever-expanding Òwe.Ó

 

PULL OUT to reveal EURIN - a female and the Euren Dramatizer – in the BLACK BOX and watching EUREN on the BIG TV.  She is wearing a white shirt and black pants.

 

               EURIN

     And who is he?  Is he Òme?Ó

 

               EUREN

What IF I were a woman?  I do have my feminine side, you know. I like to think that I think like a woman.

 

          EURIN

Or that many women think like me.

    

PULL OUT to reveal MARTY TWO in his STUDIO watching EURIN on BIG TV.  He clicks, and EURIN disappears.

 

               MARTY Z

     Maybe Euren needs to be invisible.

 

He opens a new window on his computer.  We see the BILLY THE PITBULL kickboxing the air.

 

               BILLY

     IÕll get you, Urine!

 

               EURENÕs voice.

     You REEN.  You REEN.

CUT TO:

 

A gown passes.  Music.

CUT TO:  

 

Abby and Dustin hiking in the woods.

CUT TO:

MATRIX staring a piece of charcoal.

CUT TO:

ABBY and DUSTIN hiking.

CUT TO:

MATRIX licking the piece of charcoal.

CUT TO:

 

ABBY and DUSTIN discover Matrix writing on rock wall with a piece of charcoal.

 

               DUSTIN

Wow. ThereÕs something you donÕt see in Manhattan. 

 

               MATRIX

Hi. NameÕs Matrix. 

 

DUSTIN

Matrix?

 

MATRIX

Everything you think is real is just a simulation of reality.

 

Dustin holds up his shitbag,

 

DUSTIN

Even this?

 

DUSTIN takes off his back pack.  He pulls the tent out to get at a bottle of water.

 

MATRIX

I wouldnÕt sleep in a tent up here. Tents attract bears.  They think thereÕs food inside. College students?

 

ABBY

ThatÕs us.

 

               MATRIX

I was a TA at that University for 12 years. Then I realized what a fraud Òhigher learningÓ is.  ItÕs just a big bloated bureaucracy, charging students exorbitant tuition to run itself. And what do ya get out of it?   A diploma!  Ha! ThatÕs just a fancy piece of paper to remind you to make your student loan payments, if you get a job at all.

 

ABBY

Quite the positive thinker, arenÕt you?  What did you teach?

 

MATRIX

Psychology, human sexuality, did a PhD thesis on Alfred Kinsey that let people figure out their sexual identity, almost got published in Playboy.

 

DUSTIN

Un huh.

 

MATRIX

The Kinsey Scale plots the range of human sexual orientation.ÒOneÓ is totally heterosexual and ÒSevenÓ is totally homosexual. Most people fall somewhere in between. (to Dustin) LetÕs take you  for instance, what are your sexual fantasies?

 

ABBYÕs cell phone rings.  She walks off and we stay with her as she answers.

 CUT TO:

SPLIT SCREEN OF ABBY and VALLERY

 

VALERY

     Progress report?

 

ABBY

Too soon to tell.  And we just got interrupted by Mountain Man.

 

          VALERY

Mountain Man?

 

          ABBY

IÕll tell you later.  Unless Sasquatch comes along and eats us.

 

VALERY

     Keep me posted.  You know what I think.

 

ABBY

HeÕs not my type.

 

VALERY

Trust me.

          ABBY

Hey, did you get your laptop from Marty?

 

          VALERY

Yes.  MartyÕs. Going. To. Die.

 

CUT TO:

DUSTIN listening to MATRIX.

 

MATRIX

IÕd say youÕre somewhere around 3.

 

          DUSTIN

What?

 

DUSTINÕs cell phone rings.

 

DUSTIN (to Matrix)

Excuse me.

 

Dustin answers his phone and walks off.

CUT TO:

 

SPLIT SCREEN OF DUSTIN and MARTY Zin Studio, naked.

 

MARTY Z

HowÕs it going?

 

DUSTIN

Just great.  IÕve shit in a bag, flunked the gay test and IÕm waiting to get eaten by a bear.

 

MARTY Z

Chill out dude, bears donÕt eat gay guys.

 

DUSTIN

Hey, howÕd it go with Valerie?

 

          MARTY Z

It went great!  IÕm naked!

 

DUSTINÕs cell phone battery dies.

 

DUSTIN

Hello?  Hello?  Dead.  Shit.   (he looks down at the shitbag on his belt loop) Shit.

 

Episode Sixteen

 

ABBIE and DUSTEN in their sleeping bags in their tent.  Wide awake.  Silence.  They look at each other, look out.

 

               MATRIX (OS)

     No bears yet!

 

               ABBIE

     Thank you, Matrix.

 

               MATRIX (OS)

     DonÕt worry, kids.  IÕll be out here all night.

 

               DUSTEN

     YouÕre a prince, Matrix.

 

               MATRIX (OS)

     No bears gonna get past me.

 

               DUSTEN

     Alone at last.

 

               ABBIE

     With our very own mountain man chaperone.

 

               DUSTEN

I think IÕd prefer a bear.  A small one.

 

CUT TO:

GRAPHIC:  Fifty years laterÉ

 

ABBIE and DUSTEN TWO on a couch.  They are wearing gray wigs.  ABBIE is knitting.  DUSTEN is reading a newspaper.  Both have glasses.

 

               DUSTEN (putting paper down)

     Have we had sex yet?

 

               ABBIE (stops knitting)

     I donÕt remember.

BACK TO:

 

ABBIE, awake.  DUSTEN asleep, in tent.  ABBY looks at DUSTEN, closes her eyes.

 

ABBIE

Maybe IÕm not ready for this.

 

PULL BACK to reveal EURIN in the BLACK BOX watching the above on BIG TV.

 

               EURIN

     Who is ever ready?  For anything? 

 

FLASHBACK RETURNS:

 

Large man in Karate ghi carrying really small suitcase waving. Then he turns and walks away.

    

PULL OUT to reveal VALERY watching this on her laptop.

 

               VALERY

     I knew that guy looked familiar.

                                             

The image on VALERYÕS LAPTOP adds a PUBLICITY STILL of the large man in karate gi, with caption:  Two time kickboxing champion Wayne ÒThe PaingiverÓ Jones on way to third win.

 

               VALERY (to camera)

Why would Abby have his picture by her bed?

 

EURIN in Black Box watching this on BIG TV.

 

               EURIN

We used to say that the plot thickens.  I have no idea what that means.  That is why my book, NOW/HERE has no plot.  No characters.  No dialog.  I myself am barely present. 

 

PULL BACK to reveal EUREN in Black Box watching on BIG TV.

 

               EUREN

But itÕs not about me.  It was never about me.  ItÕs about you, whoever you are.

 

PULL BACK TO reveal EURIN, watching.

 

               EURIN

     You know who you are.  DonÕt you?

 

CUT TO:

 

VALERIEÕS BLOG: STREET CRED: KICK BOXING

 

          VALERY (VO)

     Are you a fan of kickboxing?

 

          FRESHMAN

     I am a VICTIM of kickboxing.

 

          SOPHOMORE

     The Paingiver.  HeÕs the man.

 

          JUNIOR

Got tickets for PaingiverÕs next exhibiton at the Dome of Doom.

 

          MARCO

     You gonna order something, or what?

 

CUT TO:

MARTY Z in his Studio.

 

               MARTY Z

Paingiver just did a movie with Steven Seagall. Paingiver knows Professor Euren.  I know Professor Euren. ThereforeÉ

 

VALERY magicly appears.  The scene turns Òdreamy.Ó

 

          VALERY

     Ask him over for a beer.

 

          MARTY Z

     Paingiver doesnÕt drink beer.

 

          VALERY

     Ask him over for a soy latte.

 

          MARTY Z

     Or wheatgrass.

 

          VALERY

     Whatever.  I have other places to be, you know.

 

Episode Seventeen

 

MARTY Z, VALERY, DUSTEN TWO, ABBIE, & PAINGIVER in a living room. PAINGIVER is carrying a large paper bag.

 

               MARTY Z

     Thanks for coming, Paingiver.

 

               PAINGIVER

     Please, call me Wayne.

 

               MARTY Z

See, IÕm working on a movie.  An invisible professor who fights crime—

 

          PAINGIVER (Holding up hand)_

Abby, I sense your discomfort.  I did not know you would be here.

 

          ABBIE

IÕm not uncomfortable.  ItÕs good to see you.

 

          DUSTEN

You know each other?

 

          ABBIE

We dated.  In high school.

 

          DUSTEN

Seriously?

 

               PAINGIVER

We were very serious.  But life takes you in different paths.  Orange?

 

He reaches into bag, takes out an orange.  Offers it around.  MARTY Z takes one, starts to peel it.

 

               MARTY Z

I donÕt know what your scheduleÕs like, but IÕm pretty flexible.

 

          PAINGIVER

Alas, I am off to Yugoslavia for my second feature with Stephen Seagall.  There is some indication that this one may get theatrical release. I should go.

 

          ABBIE

You donÕt have to go.

 

          PAINGIVER

None of us have to do anything.  But if we do nothing, we get nothing.

 

          MARTY Z

Have you read EurenÕs book?

 

          PAINGIVER

Professor Euren is a very wise man.

 

Everybody looks at PAINGIVER incredulously.

 

PAINGIVER

     I will leave the oranges for you.  Enjoy them.

 

He leaves.  Everybody looks at the bag of oranges.  Then, ABBIE, DUSTEN TWO, and MARTY Z look at VALERY.

 

                                                     CUT TO:                               

VALERIE, with a microphone, standing next to PAINGIVER, looking very cool, arms folded.

 

               VALERY

How long do you think you would last against the Paingiver?

 

CAMERA pulls out to reveal FRED standing next to PAINGIVER.

 

          FRED

Two minutes anyway.

 

               PAINGIVER

     Stunning dream claw!

 

PAINGIVER makes a kung fu move. FRED goes flying off screen and FRANK steps into the shot.

 

               FRANK

     Two seconds?

 

               PAINGIVER

     Trembling Kafka beetle thrust!

 

FRANK goes flying. STUDENT THREE appears.

 

               CHET

     Do I get extra credit for this?

 

          PAINGIVER

     Trivial termite pincer squeeze!

 

CHET goes flying. DUSTEN appears.

 

          DUSTEN

     What am I doing here?

 

          PAINGIVER

     Independent woman slap!

 

DUSTEN reels from invisible slap.

 

          DUSTEN TWO

     Ow!

 

          PAINGIVER

     Decaf chai latte rush!

 

          DUSTEN TWO

     Ow!

 

DUSTEN goes down.  Camera reveals ABBIE sitting in a chair watching.

 

          ABBIE

     Maybe IÕm not ready for this.

                                    CUT TO:

 

DUSTEN, in bed, bolts upright.

 

          DUSTEN

     What a horrible dream.

 

PULL BACK to reveal PAINGIVER beside him in bed.

 

          PAINGIVER

     ThereÕs no reason to be afraid.

 

          DUSTEN

     ItÕs not you IÕm afraid of.

           

                                              CUT TO:

 

VALERIEÕs BLOG: STREET CRED: BIG MISTAKE

 

          VALERY (OS)

If a friend of yours was making a big mistake, would you intervene?

 

     FRESHMAN

If I was awake, yeah.  Or not too drunk.

 

     SOPHOMORE

Friend? Who has time for friends?

 

     JUNIOR

Sure, I love intervention.  I spend half of my free time in emergency rooms.

 

     MARCO

Your mistake was ordering the broccoli beef.  ItÕs terrible.  Next time, go with something shrimpy.

 

CUT TO: 

EUREN in Black Box watching on Big TV.

 

          EUREN

Next time.  Next time. What does that mean?  There is only time. There is no Ònext.

 

EPISODE EIGHTEEN

 

On MARTY G on pool table, a crumpled piece of paper stuck in his mouth, eyes closed.  HeÕs tossing, turning, moaning—

 

               VOICES (MUFFLED)

     Beer!  Beer!  Beer!

 

ABBY appears and shakes Marty G.

 

ABBY

What happened here?

 

          MARTY G

     We had a party.  DonÕt you remember?

 

          ABBY

     I wasnÕt here.  DonÕt you remember?

 

          MARTY G

     Apparently everybody else was.

 

He shudders.

CUT TO:

 

PARTY BUS moving in slow motion, crammed with people.  Banner on the side reads: PARTY OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.

 

VOICES

Beer.  Beer.  Beer.  Beer.

 

                                              BACK ON:

 

MARTY G, shuddering.

 

     ABBY

I thought this was going to be a quiet get together.

 

MARTY G(Wistful)

A few dozen close friends.  Some bong hits. Some beer.  Some games.  Maybe some dancing. Maybe some carnal activity. 

 

               ABBY

     WhereÕs Dustin?

 

               MARTY G

     I dunno.  Maybe they got him.

 

               ABBY

     Who?

 

MARTY G shudders.

 

NIGHTMARE FLASHBACK

           

MARTY G is leaning against the door, trying to keep a horde out.  One hand is between the door and the jam, hand clutching at the air.

 

               VOICES

     Beer!  Beer!  Beer!

 

BACK ON MARTY G

 

               ABBY

     Maybe who got him, Marty?

 

               MARTY G

     The Greeks.  They got ME. 

 

NIGHTMARE FLASHBACK

 

Hands grabbing MARTY G, screaming silently, dragging him out of the room. Slow motion.

 

BACK ON MARTY G

 

               ABBY

     The Greeks?  Good god.  Not Sigma Apes?

 

               MARTY

And the off campus crowd.  Pig Pen.

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC: Pig Pen

 

     ABBY

Oh my god.

 

     MARTY G

     Chateau Stain.

 

ADD POST-IT GRAPHIC: Chateau Stain

 

          ABBY

     I thought they were still in prison.

 

               MARTY G

The House of Drunkards.  Remember that guy at the kegger last month?  Set his head on fire?

 

ABBY

     The guy with the snake on his face?

 

ADD POST-IT GRAPHIC: Snakeface.

  

          MARTY G

Yeah.  Snakeface.  He was here.  He has a brother.  They call him Meat.

 

     ABBY

Meat?

 

ADD POST-IT GRAPHIC: Meat

 

          MARTY G

As in ÔMeat is Murder.Õ

 

          ABBY

     But howÕd they find out about the party?

 

RIP ALL POST-IT GRAPHICS OFF SCREEN.

 

MARTY picks up piece of paper that was in his mouth. 

 

MARTY G

Somebody told them about it.  I guess this flier was put up everywhere.

 

INSERT: FLIER

Babes!  Booze!  Drugs!  Come one!  Come all!

 

               ABBY

Who would pull a prank like this?

 

               MARTY G

My archenemy, of course.  Valerie.

 

MARCO (VO)

Pizza. PIZZA.  PIZZA!

 

MARTY

STOPPPP!

 

MARCO at door in Pizza uniform.

 

MARCO

Pizza.

 

MARTY G

DidnÕt we order this last night?

 

MARCO

It was too crazy last night.  So I waited until now.

 

MARTY G

But now itÕs cold.

 

MARCO

Cold pizza makes a great breakfast. 

 

MARTY G

True.

 

MARCO

I got nineteen more pies in the car.

 

DUSTIN appears.

 

DUSTIN

What the hell happened here? 

 

MARTY G

Great party, Dustin.  One for the books.  Too bad you missed it. (TO MARCO) LetÕs go get those pies.  You ever play pizza Frisbee? 

 

MARCO

IÕm down with that.

 

MARCO and MARTY head toward the street as DUSTIN and ABBY go into the house.

 

ABBY

You missed your own party?

 

DUSTIN

WasnÕt in the mood.  Stayed in my room with the headset on until I couldnÕt take it anymore.  Then I stayed with some friends down the street.

 

          ABBY

You could have stayed with me.

                                              CUT TO:

 

ABBIE lying in bed.  PAINGIVER approaches her, offering an orange.

                                              BACK ON:

               ABBY

     You could have stayed with me.

 

CHAYANE emerges, from pile of clothing and beer cans.

 

CHAYANE

Where am I?

   CUT TO:

 

A gown passes.  Music.

 

Episode Nineteen

 

CHAYANE, DUSTIN, and ABBY, eating cold pizza

 

ABBY

So, did you pass out?

 

CHAYANE

No. I donÕt drink.  It was too crowded to wade through all the people, and they were too drunk.  So I just fell asleep on the couch.  I have six brothers.  I can sleep through pretty much anything.  Good pizza.

 

MARKO VISUAL PIZZA IMPROV starts and runs on screen simultaneously.

 

DUSTIN

How did you find out about the party?

 

CHAYANE

You know Snakeface?

 

DUSTIN

     Does anybody really know Snakeface?

 

               CHAYANE

He and his brother Meat invited me.  They told me it was going to be a wild party.  IÕd never really been to a wild party before, and since IÕm in college now, I figured I should be open to new experiences, so I decided to go. 

 

ABBY

How do you know them?

 

     CHAYANE

They were in my chemistry class.  When the teacher wasnÕt looking they set their heads on fire.  I laughed so hard I stopped breathing.

 

DUSTIN

Huh.  YouÕre a funny girl, Chayane.

 

CHAYANE

Thank you.  Most people donÕt think I have a sense of humor.

 

MARTY G

You know Meat and Snakeface?

 

CHAYANE

Yes.

 

MARTY G

I was kind of out of it, but did they send their heads on fire last night?

 

CHAYANE

They were very amusing.

 

MARTY G

I hope I caught it.

 

He picks up a webcam.

 

DUSTIN

Wait a minute.  You had a webcam at this party?

 

MARTY G

One in every room.

 

DUSTIN

Did you get permission?

 

MARTY G

What for?

 

DUSTIN

You canÕt just film people without their permission.

 

MARTY G

Sure you can.  WhoÕs to stop me?  Hey, one of the cameras is missing.

 

ABBY

Uh oh.

 

MARTY G

What?

 

ABBY takes out her laptop and turns it one.

 

ABBY

Valerie.

CUT TO:

 

VALERIEÕs BLOG: STREET CRED: SENSELESS PARTYING

 

Video of party including footage of MARTY Z doing something embarrassing with a VALERIE VO COMMENTARY.

 

BACK TO:

MARTY G (Enthusiastic)

This just keeps getting better and better! I love this woman!

 

DUSTIN

Are you crazy!  There could be stuff on here that could keep you from EVER getting a job.  This has got to stop!

 

CHAYANE

Hey look!  My headÕs on fire!

 

CHAYANEÕS HEAD ON FIRE

 

Episode Twenty

 

               DUSTIN

SomebodyÕs got to stop this.

 

CHAYANE

WhatÕs the problem?

 

DUSTIN

All this stuff, this stuff from the party.  ItÕs out there forever.

 

               CHAYANE

Like your permanent record?

 

DUSTIN

Exactly. 

 

CHAYANE

My Dad used to talk about permanent records. Testing. Grading.  He hates all that stuff. ThatÕs why my folks home schooled us.

 

DUSTIN

But this isnÕt home.  This is college.  Things can happen here that will haunt you for the rest of your life.  Like flunking a class.

 

CHAYANE

Are you flunking a class?

 

DUSTIN

Uh.  Yeah, actually.  And I donÕt know why.

 

          ABBY

Same here. 

 

CHAYANE

So your lives are doomed?

 

                                         CUT TO:

GRAPHIC:  TEN YEARS FROM NOWÉ

 

DUSTEN with tin cup on street.

 

ABBIE at fast food joint:  ÒFries with that?Ó

 

                                         BACK ON:

 

DUSTIN

Well.  My DadÕs gonna kill me.

 

ABBY

Mine too.

 

CHAYANE

No they wonÕt.  As far as the picture of me goes, I intend to go into a life in the arts, where this sort of outlandish behavior counts in your favor.  And if I ever do try to get a real job, I will get a tattoo on my face before the job interview, and nobody will know who I am, so it wonÕt matter.  DoesnÕt that make sense?

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC: Making Sense

 

DUSTIN

No.

 

MARTY G

Absolutely.

 

CHAYANE

This friend of yours, Valerie, she seems to be unnaturally obsessed with Marty.

 

MARTY

You think so?  You really think so?  Obsessed?  Unnaturally?

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC: Obsessed

 

CHAYANE

You need to divert her attention. 

 

     ABBY

To what?

 

     CHAYANE

Solving your problem.  The flunking thing. 

 

     MARTY G

Wow. She loves me.  I see it all now.  Hey, Chayane, do you know Kafka?  Franz Kafka?

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC: Franz Kafka

 

     CHAYANE

I have read all his works. 

 

     MARTY

Have I got a job for you.

 

     CHAYANE

Job?

 

     MARTY G

A figure of speech.

 

CUT TO:

 

VALERY On her laptop.  Her cell phone rings.

 

               VALERY

     This is Valerie.

 

SPLIT SCREEN, adding ABBIE in BLACK BOX.

 

               ABBIE

     Hi Valerie.  This is Abby.

 

               VALERY

You arenÕt still mad at me, are you?

 

               ABBIE

     IÕm always mad at you.

 

               VALERY

At least youÕre not bored with me.  WhatÕs up?

 

     ABBIE

I want your advice.

 

          VALERY

About Dustin?  HeÕs not right for you.

 

          ABBIE

No.  About college.

 

          VALLERY

College?  You meanÉ likeÉ classes?

 

          ABBIE

Yeah.  IÕm flunking a class, and I donÕt know why.

 

          VALERY

Why donÕt you drop it?

 

          ABBIE

Oh.

 

          VALERY

Yeah.  LifeÕs too short for bullshit.  Look, I gotta run.

 

VALERY hangs up and disappears. Camera pulls back to reveal DUSTEN standing next to ABBIE.

 

               DUSTEN

     So what was her advice?  Besides dumping me.

 

               ABBIE

     Drop the class.

 

               DUSTEN

Oh.

          ABBIE

ThatÕs what I said.

 

 

 

Episode Twenty-One

 

MARTY G is pacing around a bare room.  CHAYANE is standing next to a CAMERA ON A TRI-POD in the center of the room.

 

               MARTY G

Damn.  (POUNDS ON THE WALL) We should have a hundred people showing up for this audition.

 

CHAYANE

We just need one.

 

MARTY G

But is has to be the RIGHT one. A REAL actor.

 

          CHAYANE

ÒThe real actor has a direct line to the collective heart.Ó  You know who said that?

 

MARTY G

Nope.

 

CHAYANE

Bette Davis.

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC: Bette Davis

 

MARTY G

You know what Jim Carrey said?  ÒUntil Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.Ó

 

POST-IT GRAPHIC: Jim Carrey

 

MARTY goes to the door and looks out into the hall.  He shuts the door and walks into the middle of the room and flops on the floor.

 

MARTY G

Ya posted everywhere, right?

 

CHAYANE

I put Ôem all over the Commons.

 

CUT TO:

 

A wide shot of THE COMMONS.  We slowly zoom into MartyÕs AUDITION POSTER.  Chayane continues to list places she posted.

 

CHAYANE (VO)

Hit all the dorms, put a stack in the Theater. All over the media building.

 

FREEZE FRAME & PULL OUT REVEAL MARTY Z watching this scene in his studio.  He turns to camera and talks.

 

               MARTY Z

Why Kafka?  Why now?  Well, I couldnÕt get Chuck Norris.  And hereÕs what I had of Professor Euren

 

Clicks to second screen:  EUREN is ÒactingÓ to camera.

 

               EUREN

If youÕre gonna go after these kids, first you gotta go through me.

 

FREEZE ON EUREN.

 

               MARTY Z

Just too weedy and skinny to fight crime. He might pass as a supervillain.

 

UNFREEZE EUREN

 

               EUREN

When I press this button, Mr. Walker, Texas will disappear.  Forever.

 

FREEZE EUREN.

               MARTY Z

But, again, couldnÕt get Chuck Norris.  So I putting ÒHitmanÓ in turn around  and I am turning to Kafka.  Why?  Because he speaks to us.  Because his work is still fresh.  Because Valerie is doing a paper on him.  And if I canÕt irritate the woman I love, why am I even here?

 

                                    BACK TO:

 

KAFKA AUDITION-COMMONS, places CHAYANE has posted. 

 

MARTY G (VO)

Why would people not want to audition for this?

 

CHAYANE (VO)

People donÕt know what the METAMORPHISIS is.

 

MARTY G (VO)

Franz Kafka.  His most important work.  Who doesnÕt know who Franz Kafka is?

 

CHAYANE (VO)

80% of the students on this campus. Conservative estimate.

CUT TO:

                                                                                                CUT TO:

VALERY shredding audition posters in BLACK BOX.

 

   CUT TO:

 

A gown passes.  Music.

 

 

Episode Twenty-Two

 

MARCO appears holding an AUDITON FLYER.

 

MARCO

This gig pay?

 

CHAYANE

Nope.  Sorry.

 

MARTY G (OS)

What do you need?

 

MARCO thinks.

MARCO

Twenty bucks.

 

MARTY G (OS)

Done.

 

MARCO

And I am not going to wear a bug costume.

 

MARTY G (OS)

Okay.

 

We see MARCOÕs audition through the POV of the AUDITION CAMERA.  MARTY directs from off-camera. 

 

MARTY G (VO)

You are a man... but suddenly... (CLAP)  you are a bug.  Good.  ThatÕs a really good bug but give me just a little more bug and little less human.  Good.  Now letÕs go back to One -  the man.  Good. This man is happy.  Good. Now we want him to happy but a little troubled by his humdrum day-to-day existence... a little more... a little less... thatÕs good... okay now THAT guy... the guy you are right now turns into a bug (CLAP) – Great.   LetÕs do it again and this time try to give me a little more bug at the end.  Back to One....

 

CHAYANE (VO)

I think the bug should be more confused.

 

MARTY G (VO)

Right. LetÕs make the bug a little more confused.

 

CHAYANE (VO)

And sadder.  His world has changed completely.

 

MARTY G (VO)

Right.  Give us a sad confused bug.

 

GRAPHIC:  PICTURE of a BEETLE

TEXT:  This is Gregor Samsa.

 

PICTURE of a TERMITE.

TEXT:  This is a termite.

CUT TO:

 

MARCO is in DustinÕs bed in BUG MAKE UP.  MARTY G- dressed like KAFKA and has a KAFKA NAME TAG pinned on his coat. – is sitting on the end of the bed reading his SCRIPT into a microphone. He is also watching a TV monitor of the shot that CHAYANE – dressed like KAFKAÕS SISTER also has a NAME TAGE & IS standing on a chair beside the bed – is shooting.

 

MARTY G

(as Kafka)

One morning, as Gregor Samsa woke up from anxious dreams to discover...

 

CHAYANE

Should I be moving the camera?

 

Marty puts the script down in his lap.

 

MARTY G

Cut.

 

Marty looks up at Chayane. And waits.

 

          CHAYANE

What?

 

MARTY G

A crew member – that would be you - NEVER says say anything until the Director – that would be me  - says cut.

 

          CHAYANE

Okay.

 

Marty G continues to stare at Chayane.

 

          CHAYANE

What?

 

MARTY G

When I say cut.  What do you say?

 

          CHAYANE

I say cut too.

 

Marty continues to stare at Chayane.

 

          CHAYANE

WHAT?

 

MARTY G

SAY CUT!

 

          CHAYANE

I DID!

 

Episode Twenty-Three

 

CAMERA POV of MarcoÕs BUG FACE.

 

MARTY G (VO)

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from a troubled dream he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous insect.

 

MARCO

AHHHHHH.

 

MARTY G (VO)

Good. Keep rolling.   This time play it against the grain.

 

MARCO

What?

MARTY G (VO)

DonÕt question.  DonÕt think.  Just act.

 

MARCO rolls his eyes.

 

MARTY G (VO)

(as Kafka)

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from a troubled dream he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous insect.

 

MARTY G (VO)

This time play it funny.  Not funny ha ha.  But funny painful.

 

MARCO

(grumbling)

YouÕve gotta pay me another twenty bucks.

 

MARTY G (VO)

You got it, but I canÕt believe you can think about money when we in the middle of this kind of artistic moment.

 

MARCO

I think about money all the time.

                               BACK ON:

 

GRAPHIC:  TWENTY YEARS LATERÉ

 

MARCO, walking down the street, with great heaping wads of cash falling out of his pockets.

 

                               BACK ON:

     MARTY G

Chayane, letÕs zoom in this time.

 

          CHAYANE

Zooming.

 

          MARTY G (VO)

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from a troubled dream he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous insect.

CUT TO:

 

CHAYANE is crouched in the corner playing KAFKAÕS sister. MARTY G is directing.

 

     MARTY G (VO)

Your brother is in the next room .  You are distraught. Something TERRIBLE has happened.

 

CUT TO:

 

CAMERA POV of CHAYANE sobbing.  Her sobs turn into a wail and then into a strange keening sound.

 

MARTY G (VO)

Your brother is going to appear.  He is going to appear in three... two...

 

CHAYANE counts the silent one in her head and then leaps up and screams at camera.

 

CHAYANE

My brother is a dung beetle.

CUT TO:

 

Same scene but camera now seeing MARCO BUG approach sister.

 

CHAYANE (VO)

My brother is a dung beetle.

 

CUT TO:

 

The camera is seeing MARTY G. KAFKA approaching his sister.   MARTY tries to duplicate MARCOÕS movements exactly.

 

CHAYANE

My brother is a dung beetle.

 

Episode Twenty-Four

 

MAFTY KAFKA approaching the bed where MARCO BUG is lying.

 

               CHAYANE

     Gregor wanted to know – who am I really?

 

MARTY KAFKA gets to the bed with MARCO BUG.

 

               CHAYANE (VO)

     Kafka wanted to know – who am I really?

 

               MARCO

(muffled)

     This is going to cost ya another twenty bucks.

 

FREEZE FRAME & PULL OUT TO MARTY TWO STUDIO

 

               MARTY G

     If this doesnÕt irritate Valerie, nothing will.

 

FREEZE FRAME and pull out to reveal VALERY watching on her laptop in the BLACK BOX.

 

               VALERY

     Oh, IÕm irritated all right.

CUT TO:

 

VALERY is interviewing MARTY G in the front of the THEATER near a SIGN ANNOUNCING THE SCREENING. CHAYANE is standing beside MARTY.

 

VALERIE

Were you influenced by Peter KruperÕs adaptation?

 

MARTY G

What?  Who?

 

VALERIE

Peter Kruper published a well known cartoon adaptation of KafkaÕs Metamorphis in 2003.

 

MARTY G

Really?

         

VALERIE

He also has a popular animated version on the web.

 

MARTY G

It was better that I didnÕt know about that.   I had a pure film experience.  Just me and Kafka.

 

CHAYANE       

And your star.

 

          MARTY G

And my star - Marco.  Just the three of us.  Kafka, Marco, and Marty G.

 

CHAYANE

And me!

 

          MARTY G

And my camera person.   The four of us...

 

CHAYANE (VO)

Co-Director!

 

MARTY G

Kafka, Marco, Chayane, and Marty G.

 

VALERIE

So, you did no research before you started producing this film.

 

MARTY G starts to respond but VALERIE cuts him off with her next question.

 

               VALERIE

What are you planning to do with the film after this premiere. Put it into your drawer and start on your next project whim?

 

MARTY G

No.  I am putting it on You Tube and entering it into a couple of on-line video festivals and e-mailing it to some potential advertisers.

 

VALERIE

(trying – but not hard - to hide laugh)

Potential Advertisers?

CUT TO:

 

Montage of SCENES FROM THE MOVIE intercut with AUDIENCE REACTION SHOTS.

CUT TO:

 

ABBY and DUSTIN are in front row clapping. MARTY sits staring at the screen and then turns to look at the audience.  Everyone – including MARCO - has left.  CHAYANE is sitting beside MARTY.

 

DUSTIN

Good job, Marty.

 

ABBY

Good job, Chayane.

 

CHAYANE

Thanks.

 

PAUSE.

 

MARTY G

I think it worked.

 

           ABBY

Worked real hard.

 

           DUSTIN

Worked overtime.

 

VALERIEÕS BLOG: STREET CRED: Be?

 

               VALERY (OS)

     If you could be any insect, what would you be?

 

               FRESHMAN

Spiderman.  Oh wait, thatÕs an arachnid.  I knew that.

          SOPHOMORE

A freshman.

          JUNIOR

The Tick!

          MARCO

Gregor Samsa was supposed to be a dung beetle, but I think he was justÉ a big beetle.

 

Episode Twenty-Five

 

ABBY and DUSTIN are eating BOWLS OF CEREAL and reading VALERIEÕS REVIEW OF MARTYÕS MOVIE on her blog.

 

               ABBY

ÒMarty G. must have learned film making at his grandmotherÕs knee.  The grandmother that doesnÕt speak English and has never seen a movie in her life.Ó

 

DUSTIN

Brutal.

 

               ABBY

Valerie calls Ôem like she sees em.

 

MARTY G with open LAP TOP and sits between them.

 

               MARTY G

Greatness.

 

DUSTIN

Marty. ItÕs just Valerie.  Forget about it.

 

MARTY G

Forget about what? The fifteen thousand hits IÕve gotten on You Tube?  The three on-line film festivals that already accepted Metamorphosis?  This company that wants to put an ad on my film and pay me money every time it streams?

 

DUSTIN and ABBY stare at MARTYÕS LAPTOP SCREEN.

CUT TO:

BUG BE GONE Animated AD (10 seconds)

 

MARTY G (VO)

Who really knows art?  Our good friend Valerie – or the marketing director for BUG BE GONE!

 

                               CUT TO:

 

Now/Here PROMO THREE  – RUSTLING LEAVES (10 seconds)

 

 

                               CUT TO:

EUREN in BLACK BOX.

 

               EUREN

You flunk, for no reason.  You fall in love, for no reason. You have meaningless sex with a stranger, and wind up getting married.  You make a film that nobody wants to see, but everybody sees anyway.  You write a book that nobody reads, but everybody owns.  What does it all mean?  So many things make sense these days.  And where does it get us?

 

                               CUT TO:

 

MARTY and VALERIE sit at a table, grinning at each other.

 

               VALERIE

You think youÕre so smart.  You think I canÕt get to you.

 

          MARTY G

I didnÕt ask to meet you because of our relationship.

 

          VALERIE

We donÕt have a relationship!

 

          MARTY G

I didnÕt ask you here to talk about that.

 

          VALERIE

All right.  What new way to complicate my life have you dreamed up?

 

          MARTY G

Well, youÕre friends with Abby.

 

          VALERIE

Right. 

 

          MARTY G

And IÕm friends with Dustin.

 

          VALERIE

TheyÕre not right for each other.

 

          MART G

Yet theyÕre trying to get together, while you and I, meant to be together, are not.

 

FREEZE FRAME, pull back to reveal VALERY watching this on her laptop in the BLACK BOX.

 

               VALERY

     CanÕt marry him.  CanÕt kill him.

 

FREEZE FRAME, pull back to reveal MARTY Z watching this on a MONITOR IN HIS STUDIO.

 

               MARTY Z

     Finally, weÕre getting somewhere.

 

   CUT TO:

A gown passes.  Music.

 

Episode Twenty-Six

 

ABBIE TWO is driving.  VALLERY TWO is riding shotgun.  DUSTEN Two is sitting behind VALLERY TWO.  MARTY Z TWO is sitting behind ABBIE TWO.

 

Silence.

 

MARTY Z

We should rob something. 

 

     VALLERY
That sounds like fun.

MARTY Z
One crime.  One time.

VALLERY
We'd never get caught.

DUSTEN
I have never been finger printed.

VALLERY
Yes you have.

DUSTEN
No I haven't.

VALLERY
We've all have been fingerprinted.

MARTY ZÕs cell phone rings.

ABBIE
MARTY!

VALLERY/DUSTEN/ABBIE
Cell Free Trip.

MARTY Z looks at cell and then turns it off.

PAUSE

 

ABBIE
Who was it?

 

PAUSE

VALLERY
Who was it MARTY?

     MARTY Z
A service I subscribe to.  Word of the day.  YesterdayÕs word was ÒXU.Ó ItÕs a Vietnamese coin. 

VALLERY
How you going to spend THAT?

MARTY Z
IÕm preparing for our Scrabble rematch.

DUSTEN
We wouldn't use guns, would we?

VALLERY
Depends on what we rob.

MARTY Z
Nobody robs trains any more.  We could rob a train.

     VALLERY
Who has money on a train?  If you have money you have a private jet.  You donÕt ride trains.

MARTY Z
A bank?

VALLERY
Too many cameras.

DUSTEN
We could rob Professor Euren.

MARTY Z
He must have scads of money, from his book. 

DUSTEN
But what if he has a gun?

VALLERY
Gun?  He doesnÕt even have a cell phone.

ABBIE
How long would we wait to spend the money?

MARTY Z
Good question.

DUSTEN
Ten years?

VALLERY
Forget about it.  Who has that kind of time?

MARTY Z
What about identity theft?

                               CUT TO:

VALLERYÕS BLOG: STREET CRED: Where Going?

 

               VALLERY (OS)

     Where do you think weÕre going?

 

               FRESHMAN

     IÕm going to the student union for some coffee.

 

               SOPHOMORE

     Class.

 

               JUNIOR

     Hell, in a handcart.

    

          EURIN
I have no idea.  Do you?

Episode Twenty-Seven

 

DUSTEN, ABBIE, VALERY, and MARTY Z in BLACK BOX watching the following on BIG TV.

 

EUREN

     So, my precious, did you have a delicious day?

 

               MOLLY

     Empowering.

 

               EUREN

Excellent, excellent. I have been invited to judge a poetry competition.

 

          MOLLY

When?

 

          EUREN

This evening.

 

          MOLLY

Oh. I had hoped to have you to myself tonight.

 

          EUREN

This wonÕt go past nine, I donÕt think.  Afterwards, we will have our own reading, if you know what I mean.  Pablo Neruda, whispered into the ear of Molly by Euren. I know how poetry makes you quiver.  I have observed the phenomenon myself.

 

          MOLLY

Who are you judging?

 

          EUREN

I donÕt know.  I judge everybody.  And nobody. 

 

REACTION SHOT FROM MOLLY. 

 

               EUREN (OS)

Life is an experiment.  I think the book that will result from this experiment will earn me a place in the pantheon.

 

          MOLLY

What pantheon is that?

 

          EUREN

THE pantheon. 

 

          MOLLY

 

Of dead white men?

 

          EUREN

And women.  There are dead women in there too.

 

FREZE FRAME.

CUT TO:

 

DUSTEN, ABBIE, VALERY, and MARTY Z stare at the frozen screen.

 

               DUSTEN

     That is justÉ wrong, somehow.

 

               ABBIE

     Who are we to judge?

 

DUSTEN, VALERY, and MARTY Z all look at her. 

              

                                         CUT TO:

VALERIEÕS BLOG: STREET CRED: SEX

 

               VALERY (VO)

     Should old people have sex?

 

               FRESHMAN

     No.

 

               SOPHOMORE

     Yes.

 

               JUNIOR

     Who are you calling old?

 

               MARCO

     How much?  How long?  What will it cost?

 

   CUT TO:

 

A gown passes.  Music.

 

 

Episode Twenty-Eight

 

DUSTEN, ABBIE, VALERY, and MARTY Z and EURIN in BLACK BOX watching on BIG TV.

 

DUSTIN clacking through CDs. ABBY watching.

 

          ABBY

     This is for her birthday, right?

 

          DUSTIN

     Yeah.

 

          ABBY

     Cause you can't afford flowers?

 

          DUSTIN

     She's allergic.

 

          ABBY

     It's kind of cute.

 

          DUSTIN

     Cute?  How?

 

          ABBY

You're making her a handmade gift. Like a little kid. Making a birthday card out of old paper bags or something.

 

     DUSTIN

     It's just a mix tape, Abby.

 

          ABBY

     What does your mother like?

 

          DUSTIN

     Show tunes. Hippie stuff.

 

          ABBY

     Hey! Blink 182! Remember them?

 

          DUSTIN

     My Mom wouldn't like them. HereÕs Joan Baez.

 

          ABBY

     Isn't she, you know, kind of blue?

 

          DUSTIN

     Blue?

 

          ABBY

     Blue.  Red state.  Blue state.

 

          DUSTIN

Weird.  She used to be called a pinko.  Yeah.  She is.  Blue.

 

     ABBY

Your momÕs political?

 

          DUSTIN

     Lip service progressive.  Like me.

 

          ABBY

     Really?

 

          DUSTIN

     Kind of.

 

          ABBY

     IÕm a Republican. Kind of.

 

          DUSTIN

I figured.  Hey! Bye Bye Birdie!  My folks love that show!

 

     ABBY

Your Dad too?

 

          DUSTIN

     Yeah.  I told you.  HeÕs a singer.  Actor.

 

          ABBY

     He likes show tunes.  What is he, gay?

 

          DUSTIN

          (Stops rummaging)

     Well. Yeah. He is.  Actually.

 

          ABBY

     No.

 

          DUSTIN

Well, bi.  ThatÕs why my folks broke up.  She caught him with a guy, after a party. I was twelve.

 

          ABBY

     Wow.  Wow.  I thought my family was weird.

 

          DUSTIN

     My folks arenÕt weird.

 

          ABBY

     ThatÕs not what I meant.  ItÕs justÉ you knowÉ

 

          DUSTIN

     Why I havenÕt made a move on you yet?

 

          ABBY

     Most guys, you knowÉ

 

          DUSTIN

IÕm not sure who you are yet.  Who I am with you.  But IÕm not gay.  (Pause) ItÕs not contagious, you know.

 

          ABBY

Sorry.  My folks arenÕt into music at all.  TheyÕre only into music they think customers might want to hear.

 

     DUSTIN

Uh huh.  Are we having a fight?

 

     ABBY

Are we?

 

     DUSTIN

(Thinks) Nah.  Just an awkward moment.

     (To shop owner)

How much is the Joan Baez?

 

     OWNER JERRY (Sings)

ÒAnd if you're offering me diamonds and rust, I've already paid."

 

Blank looks from DUSTIN and ABBY.

 

          JERRY

Big hit for Joanie.  1975.  About her relationship with Bob Dylan.  For you?  Five bucks. Cause I love young love.

                                         CUT TO:

MATRIX IN A MEADOW, SINGING.

 

          MATRIX

     The hills are aliveÉ.

 

          VICTROLA

     --scratchy old music—

 

          78rpm player

     --scratchy music—

 

          HiFI

     --scratchy music-

 

          CASSETTE PLAYER

     --hissy music—

 

          CD player

     --loud music—

 

          MP3 player

     --faintly heard, through empty ear phones—

 

                                         CUT TO:

VALERIE BLOG: STREET CRED: OLDIES

 

          VALERY (OS)

Do you listen to oldies?

 

          FRESHMAN

     I donÕt listen.

 

          SOPHOMORE

     I love Duran Duran.

 

          JUNIOR   

     I love Dr. Dre.

 

          MARCO

     I donÕt have a radio.

 

   CUT TO:

 

A gown passes.  Music.

 

 

Episode Twenty-Nine

 

INT. CAR – NIGHT – Street.

 

MARTY Z in driverÕs seat.  VALLERY shotgun.  DUSTEN and ABBIE are in back seat.

 

               MARTY Z

     That was a great party.

 

               VALLERY

     Should you be driving?

 

               MARTY Z

     IÕm not driving.  WeÕre just sitting here.

 

               DUSTEN

     We should GO somewhere.

 

               ABBIE

     ItÕs too late.

 

               VALLERY

     ItÕs never TOO late.

 

               MARTY Z

     True.

 

               VALLERY

     But you shouldnÕt be driving.

 

               DUSTEN

     I can drive.

 

               ABBIE

     But you donÕt have a license.  In this state.

 

               DUSTEN

     True.

 

               VALLERY

     I can drive.

 

               MARTY Z/ABBIE/DUSTEN

     No.

 

PAUSE

               DUSTEN

     Whose car is this anyway?

 

               MARTY Z

     ItÕs not mine.

 

               VALLERY

     I donÕt have a car.

 

               DUSTEN

     Me neither.

 

               ABBIE

     Not my car.

 

               MARTY Z

     ItÕs nobodyÕs car.  And weÕre driving it.

 

               VALLERY

     You shouldnÕt be driving.

 

               MARTY Z

     IÕm not.  WeÕre just sitting here.

         

Pull back to reveal EUREN standing next to the car. 

 

               EUREN

One hundred years from now, we wonÕt have bodies.  WeÕll still have them but theyÕll be disposable, replaceable hardware.  The software will be whatÕs important – our mind, our soul.  When the hardware runs down, weÕll just download ourselves into a new unit- a man, a woman, a dog – why did I say dog?- a beetle, a plantÉ.  These units will all be shareware.  Well,with limited features.  Sense of smell, and not touch, for example.  If you want touch and say, sight, youÕll have to pay.  I donÕt know.  Maybe 19.95 a month, or the 22nd century equivalent.  Something reasonable, anyway.  Come to think of it, I guess youÕll need touch and sight to pay that bill, unless thereÕs some kind of automatic payment reduction from your soul, which wouldnÕt surprise me, frankly.  If you prefer, you can just let your consciousness roam free, like a ghost.  Without the dead part,though.

 

 

What do you care – the ribbed ones are for HER pleasure, not yours.

 

Close-up of Euren scootering followed by close up shot of hands pulling back a water filled condom which is about to be shot out of a huge makeshift surgical tubing sling shot.

 

VOICE #1 (OC)

FIRE !

 

The condom flies off into the sky and hits Euren squarely in the head. Water sprays everywhere.

 

Freeze frame on Euren.

 

GRAHIC POST IT: The first condom was invented in ancient Egypt. It was a linen sheath.

 

 

On EUREN, watching the above.

 

               EUREN

Ha ha.  Amusing.  If one has a sense of humor.  I was born without that commodity.  Also, as a teacher, I possess a remarkable unwillingness to pay attention to my students.  Not long ago, I decided to change that.

 

GRAPHIC:  EARLIER

 

 

Episode Thirty

 

KOLLEGE KOMEDY KOMPLAINT KHOIR appears on stage.  The Khoir OS being directed by EURIN and the PIANO PLAYER is JOSHUA RAOUL BRODY. All are dressed in GRADUATING CAPS AND GOWNS.

 

KOMPLAINT KHOIR

Where is the Chinese food at four in the morning?
Where IS that guy who got a B just for showing up?

Why are there surveillance cameras in the cafeteria?
Why do laundromats close so early?

IÕm not seeing it.
IÕm just not seeing it.

Why does a beer cost more than a book?
Why do most blogs suck so very very much.

I have too many passwords.  So many passwords.
I thought it was my friend on facebook.
Turned out to be an advertisement.
For some fucking thing.
Some fucking thing.

IÕm not seeing it.
IÕm just not seeing it.
My stomach is full but IÕm hungry.
I canÕt afford gas, or this school.
What if Google really is evil?
Some of my friends are uncool.

Pornography is boring.

Sometimes I hate being white.
What is the deal with thongs?

Men are idiots.  Life is expensive.
Women are insane.  The whole world kind of sucks.

IÕm not seeing it.
IÕm just not seeing it.
My stomach is full but IÕm hungry.
I canÕt afford gas, or this school.
What if Google really is evil?

Some of my friends are uncool.

Some of my friends are uncool.

 

FADE TO BLACK